Only a few years ago, a girl wearing trousers was frowned upon; now it is the other way round. And if a man here wore a skirt, as Scotsmen do, what would people in the street say about him? Some Arabic names, such as Issam, Sabah or Nihad, are given to both boys and girls, and they can cause embarrassing moments, for example when someone is called up at an event as a man and turns out to be a woman.
The male-centred view that runs through most of our lives led to the tragedy described here. When such things are taken lightly, they cause great psychological harm. Our advice to readers is never to play games like this with another person, whatever your relationship: the harm is great and can rob a person of their strength and resolve. The story below was sent to me by a tormented reader, and I chose it as this week's subject.
The reader's letter
"My father was a simple employee at a trading company, and my mother lived in almost constant mourning for her baby boys, who were born and then died one after another in early childhood, of various painful causes, while my four sisters were always spared."
"As I grew up, I heard my mother whisper that after I was born, she and my father had agreed to hide my sex for a while and to claim at first that I was a girl, to ward off the envy and evil eye they blamed for losing all their sons. They chose the name Nihad, which is used for both sexes, to go with the story, and dressed me as a girl for two whole years, until the events behind this strange behaviour had faded."
"Then they let the truth come out gradually, as circumstances required, keeping only an amulet tied under my arm. That is my sad childhood in miniature: a confused sexual identity, a gloomy boyhood and a bitter home that marked my teenage years. I grew up melancholy, pessimistic and superstitious, very withdrawn and avoiding people."
"I hate gatherings and can't stand showing off. I grew up in these unhappy conditions and with this wrong upbringing, and this character stayed with me through the dark years of my youth. At school my classmates always called me girlish, because I had my mother's looks as well as the feminine habits I had absorbed as a small child."
"Their mockery made me blush at once. I was gentle and soft whenever anyone was kind to me, and desperate to please. Among the pupils I was known as a girl in boy's clothes, and they called me 'girl-boy'. Once, on my way home from school, three classmates followed me. When we reached a quiet street, they grabbed me and tried to put a girl's dress on me. I fought to get free; the attack made me want to destroy and kill. Suddenly a man of about fifty shouted at them to leave me alone. The three ran off, and I found myself alone, wearing the dress they had forced on me."
"How sad my memories are of what I suffered, and still suffer, in this in-between state. This is my case; please analyse it for me…"
Our answer
Can suggesting something make it real? Even if there are mechanisms that prevent such a change, it may still happen psychologically. I remember reading about a child lost in a forest who, when found years later, sounded like the animal he had lived with.
The story in this column is a tug of war: the hero wants to live as the boy he is, while his family wanted to dress him up as a girl for a while.
The years pass, and he is torn between his natural self and the role his family cast him in. Our advice to the writer is to rebel against the situation his family put him in, so he can regain his confidence as a man and shed what their play-acting left on him. His letter may be the first step: he should hold to his view and not let anyone call him what he is not.
His determination will force his family and others to stop putting him where he does not belong.
By Samir Abdo
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